Wednesday, August 29, 2012

What's Been On My Heart. I Wasn't Going to Write This.

I wasn't going to write today. I wasn't even sure I would write about this topic again since the last time. It's personal, it's tough, and I am just not sure how to wrap my thoughts around it. But, it's on my mind. Every day. And, I just needed to let some of it out.

Our TTC journey has had peaks and valleys. Like I explained in my last post, I was a bit clueless when this all started. I thought my body would go back to 'normal' quickly after going off of the pill, and we'd get a surprise 'BFP' only a few short months later. 

What I didn't realize was that I was going to have to put a lot of extra energy into this. Each day there are things to do. To check. You see, I'm a pretty busy person, in my own right. I like to keep a full calendar, and I'm constantly flooding my iPhone with reminders. Checklists and planning are my thing. I can handle them. They're typically something I can control.

Truth be told, we are on about our fourth month of 'actively trying.' I say this with a grain of salt, because I have yet to buckle down enough with my temping and charting to really have pinpointed those possible 'O' days. So, I decided to do it this month. I would be diligent, because after all, this is what I really want. We are ready.

God has really been testing my faith and my patience this summer. Each week there are more babies being born, and more pregnancy announcements. None of them have come from me yet. I keep telling myself that there must be a reason that this is my journey. Our journey. What is He trying to teach me about myself? 

I know I can't control this. I also know that God already knows exactly what is in store for us over the next few years of our marriage. That gives me a certain amount of peace. But, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't trying everything I could humanly do, to aid in our TTC process. 

I'm a talker. And an analyzer. I work through frustrating situations much more easily when I have other people to talk to about them. I have found confidence and strength in talking to other women during this process. It has been eye opening, to say the least. 

So, where do we go from here? I guess there is not much else to do other than for me to keep moving forward. This month, it's temps every morning, charts, and lots of little details. I am hopeful that these things will really help to ease that fear in the back of my mind that I have been trying to ignore for the last several months, "could there be something wrong here?"

A friend of mine told me recently to try and remember that when it comes to TTC, there is really no 'normal.' This definitely helped to put things into perspective for me. I am constantly comparing myself to all of the other women around me who make it look so easy. For us, the journey may not be easy, but I am certain that it will be rewarding.


Stephanie said...

Oh girl, my heart aches for you. I too thought it would happen pretty quickly for me, but it took about 5 months of really trying, me giving up, and then it just happened unexpectedly.

Only advice I can give is to try an ovulation chart, but not the kind where you use your temp. I had very regular periods (35 days), so I punched that in and I was ovulating at a completely different time than I thought I was. Maybe give that a try (I used an app on my phone). I used this to get pregnant with my second baby, and it worked right away (with a lot of "trying" lol).

Good luck!! We are all rooting for you!

Britt said...

Your friend is so right! Coming off the pill is totally different for everyone. My sister was feeling the same way and it took her over a year of being off the pill for her body to return to "normal" - now she's got 2 gorgeous kids! It will totally happen - and in the meantime, you and B can have fun trying!

Sunny said...

I so understand where you are coming from. We have been actively trying since April and I've been off bc since last June. We use the clearblue easy fertility monitor and it marks each day as low, high, or egg. We like it and I was convinced we would get pregnant fast and it is just not working out that way. Eventually it will, and we will be so blessed.
You'll be in my prayers.

mrs.mfc said...

Waiting to get pregnant is so very difficult. Temping and charting definitely isn't fun either, but it is a really great thing to do so you have some idea of what is really going on. It took us a full year to get pregnant the first time and then that pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. At that point it felt like it was never going to work out for us. There is nothing anyone can say to make it easier, but I really wish there was! Just keep doing what you can. Definitely keep tracking your temps. Also, I ended up ordering a big pack of cheap (super cheap!!) ovulation test strips on Amazon. They were great to really pinpoint exactly when you're ovulating, which you can then confirm with your chart once your temp spikes. I really think that made a huge difference for us. You can also order big packs of cheap pregnancy test strips from Amazon too! And in my experience, they seem to be even more sensitive than the expensive ones you buy at the drugstore. It is nice to be able to take one while you're waiting without having to spend a fortune ;) Good luck! Definitely sending many thoughts your way.

Jennifer said...

You are not alone! I know many people who struggle with this but just don't tell people. I'd say about half of my friends have had some kind of issue trying to get pregnant. And it is so painful to hear new pregnancy announcements. But trying for awhile will make your BFP so much more exciting, and you won't take it for granted!

Kait said...

praying for you guys! i totally get your standpoint of not feeling in control, and not being able to plan. if i had to guess, the Big Guy's teaching you a lesson in patience ;)

it will work out!

JennOvey said...

Stress alone can cause you to not get pregnant. Keep doing what you're doing, but take a deep breath and relax. I'm sure things will work themselves out and in the meantime, you and your husband should just enjoy one another fully.

Melissa at Tall Blonde Blog said...

Sending you a hug for sure. I completely understand and I certainly will tell you that what you are going through is completely normal. It took us 8 months to get pregnant with Mia. I charted and took the ovulation tests to try to get a handle on me. I just had to tell myself to relax. All things will fall into place when they are ready and there is very little we can control and that alone is so frustrating.

Keep your chin up! Sending hugs and baby love your way :)

Heather @ Cookies For Breakfast said...

You know after following you on Instagram for all this time, I have not spent NEARLY enough time reading your blog! Just read your About Me, and whoa nelly, we're soul sisters!

Anyway, I HEAR YA, SISTA! I remember our TTC times, and it was tough! After going off the pill and starting BBT charting, I found out that I have a super long (and super unpredictable) cycle - about a month and a half - so in any given year, I have a little more than half the opportunities to get pregnant than a normal-cycled-person. I know people spend years TTC, but I was totally freaking out when it didn't happen immediately.

It was frustrating to see people get pregnant on their first or second month of trying. After 6 months, 4 cycles, 1 really early miscarriage, it finally happened. But the worrying never stops! I'm already worried about TTC our next baby! Oy.

Anyway, just dropping a note to say you're not alone - it's a nerve-wracking experience (though I'm sure you'll look back on it with fond memories - despite all the worrying and heartache, I remember the time and get the warm fuzzies). Keeping my fingers crossed that you get that BFP soon!

Shannon said...

It is so frustrating once you decide that NOW is the time and it doesn't happen immediately. And getting off the pill really can mess up your system. When I got off the pill I was only getting my period once every 3 months. But I temped and charted and used OPK's and thanks to doing that I was able to get pregnant pretty quickly so I definitely recommend doing those things and I'm sure it will happen before you know it. Best of luck!

Laura said...

Have y'all tried an ovulation test? I think First Response makes one. I used that when we were trying for baby #2. My body never went completely back to normal after we had Grayson so I had a hard time tracking. I thought that little test was easy to use!

Erika said...

Sending positive thoughts to you too! I know that it is so hard to not have it happen right away. You are always told when you are younger that you have to have safe sex or else you will get pregnant right.a.way. And when it doesn't happen it's hard.

My 2 cents. We used the Clearblue Easy Digital Ovulation test. This one: because it has a distinct smiley face when you were good to go. We also used pre-seed (

Of course nothing is magic but when we start on baby #2 you bet I'm going to use both of these again, since the first month we did we conceived.

Also, if you want really good and cheap pregnancy tests (since if you are type A like me you can't wait until you are "late") I would check out this site: They have a super sensitive test the 10 miu/ml one for $1.00 each if you buy 10-19:-)

Good luck sweetie and enjoy babymaking;-)

[dianegatorfan] said...

As you probably saw, I officially became a "follower" just last night. I've read your blog, we chat on Twitter and IG so I just assumed I already was. But I went to your blog SPECIFICALLY to check in on you and your TTC journey. And I can't believe that you just posted about this. I was even looking for your other TTC post and couldn't find it last night. Thank you for sharing your heart! I'm by no means an expert, but am here to listen and lend you any advice or knowledge I have on the subject!

And I agree with Laura - try an ovulation tester. I did that when we were "trying" for Rhys. They have Target brand too - ones that are pee-on-the-stick and others that are a 30-day supply where you test every day to see if you're ovulating. That may ease your mind a little.

Everyone is different - every baby, every ovary. I know the waiting sucks - hugs to you!!

Noe said...

OH Pam! I feel your words! I am so Glad you were brave enough to post this.. as I wasn't brave enough...first I wasn't sure I'd find the right words in my broken english, and then yet every time I tried I couldn't stop the water works ... aka bawling my eyes out.
I'm right there with you... We have been on the TTC wagon for a lil over a year now... at first I took it easy...I thought It was just due to 98574849 excuses / reasons I could find at the time.
Then I had to face it... and last friday had my 1st apptmt. with a specialist. and couldn't be happier with what I heard so far.
So, I am no one to offer advice, all I can do is bare with you my friend.. and if it helps any how... check the specialists on your area... You'd be surprised with how good it feels to have someone helping you and most importantly at least giving you some answers to the many questions you probably have.
Best of luck and blessings in this journey! xoxo

Lynnc said...

Love your honesty and sincerity about sharing this private struggle on your blog. My hubby and I have been TTC for over a year and have had 3 miscarriages. It's gut wrenching to hear everyone else's pregnancy announcements...especially when you were also due at the same time. It drives me nuts when people say its due to stress - that is RARELY the issue. If you chart for a few cycles, you'll understand your body's pattern and be able to know what's going on without temping. I read "Taking Charge Of Your Fertility" before we started this process and learned a lot from it. Hang in there, it's a hard road to travel but God has a big plan for your family.

Anonymous said...

So strange that we write posts about God's plan and refinement for us on the same day!... Praying for you, friend. God's timing is the right hard as that is to accept. Xo.

Unknown said...

Thinking of you lady! Know that my heart is with you guys and I want that BFP soooo badly for you! I'm here if you need anythig

Heather said...

I had the same thing happen to me. It took us over 7 months until we finally conceived, but only after I started temping and using OPKs. I didn't want to do this because I wanted it to happen on it's own, but with my body and our schedules, it just wasn't working! Keep the faith, I know it's hard to do, but it will work out. Temping and charting will help...and it eases the Type A planner personality :) I know it did for me. Good luck!

Allie said...

Thinking of you!

Unknown said...

I know it is so hard {I am currently in the same TTC boat}, but hang it there. Hopefully it will happen soon. If I were you I would give one month of a really good try and then maybe take a break so to speak. Not stop trying, but know your O window and do it then? That's what my hubs and I are doing now. It was waaaay to stressful to count and mark and plan. No matter what I do I'm not getting pregnant, so I guess I feel like I don't want to work as hard. I also am giving myself a year before I freak the eff out. I wish you the best of luck. I know it is so hard {especially since blog land makes it seem like everyone is having a baby}. *hugs* I hope it all works out how you want it to and ASAP!

Lauren said...

Praying for you friend and this journey!!! Xoxoxoxo.

Darby Hawley said...

Oh friend I feel your pain. It is so tough waiting for the BFP. We've been waiting for several months too. This month we got even more serious and purchased a digital ovulation predictor kit. Hoping it works for us! Have you tried one yet?

Desiree Lynn said...

It took me four months of diligently tracking my temp and all the other lovely signs to finally pinpoint my spike and O day. And the spike? ...only half a degree difference. It's not easy but keep going :)

Ashley said...

Praying for you Pam! I haven't been there but it is something on my mind often and that I worry about so I feel how scary it might be.

Sending big hugs your way!!

Emily said...

i know charting can be challenging, but after awhile, you get the hang of it. honestly, i went off the pill over two years ago and never plan on going back on it because i love how i can be in control of things without the help of extra hormones. i use the fertility friend website to track my temps, etc. they also have an iphone app that is super easy to use. i am not crazy strict about checking my temp at the exact same time every morning...i even get up and walk 10 steps to the bathroom to go check it, and i still have been able to pinpoint the day i ovulate (which is usually day 17-19, a little later than average). try to stay with it, and you'll be amazed at how you'll get to know your body and cycle better over a few months.

if you're truly worried about something "being wrong," you can always go to your ob/gyn for a pre-conception visit! he/she can check labs and answer any questions too. i was afraid i wasn't ovulating, and my ob/gyn was actually the one who suggested charting and opks.

good luck and sending POSITIVE thoughts your way!

Tiffany @ Austin Family Diary said...

Thank you so much for sharing this with us--my hubs and I are in the initial months of TTC...and it hasn't happened quite yet. I'm trying not to over analyze it and haven't started charting or anything like that--but I'm like you, I like organization and control. I may have to bite the bullet and either start charting or at least get the OPK going. Sending hugs and prayers your way! Hopefully it'll happen for both of us around the same time and we can be preggo friends together :)

Melissa @ A Dozen Years Later said...

I wish you the best of luck... we are a little over 25 months into our marriage and I just thought getting pregnant was going to be easy... and it hasn't been... it's been a hard, sad, and lonely road. Maybe it is time for me to start charting too.

Lindsey said...

You are probably going to hate me when I say this but I am 13 weeks with a surprise baby.. but hear me out.

As a teacher, there is a "perfect window" to have a baby. Ask any teacher. A March, April, May baby? Perfect. You get a good 10-12 weeks maternity leave, then have all summer off with the baby as well. Call it a perk to the shitty paycheck I guess?

We were in talks of baby #2 and I have had issues all year previously. Recurrent yeast infections, SUPER thin uterine lining that forced be to be on estrogen for 6 of the last 12 months to subside the constant spotting. Throw on top of that a clotting disorder with the possibility of recurrent miscarriages, late-term miscarriages, and stillborn? I almost need to see a therapist to prepare myself to climb the hill and be OK with getting pregnant.

Knowing when we would want to start trying, I decided to temp for three months ahead of time just to see where my body was at that point. I averaged 32-38 day cycles and seemed to O around day 17. Although, my cycles after having Connor have NEVER been regular, temping gave me a little bit of clarity as to what my body was doing.

I took a month off temping because we were going on vacation and I didn't want to mess with it. After day 20 of my cycle, protection went out the window because we were going to start trying the following month.

Well, even after temping for 3 months and thinking that around day 17 I O, God laughed at me. Somewhere around cycle day 25 is when we got pregnant.

Sorry to write so much but just wanted to let you know that even if you do all the right things, it can happen really late in a cycle as well, so don't quit having fun after you think you O.

I tell Adam all the time that it is a blessing this happened because we would most likely be trying for a while and me not think about the possibility of happening so late in my cycle.

Enjoy this time as just the two of you while on this journey. We mourn our easy and carefree weekends frequently :)

Mrs. K said...

Hi there...Stopping by from First Name Smith and this post caught my eye. I'm so sorry to hear about your difficulty TTC. I admit that you sound a lot like me and even though my husband and I have tried to start our little family yet, I think like you all the time. I honestly read this post and was like, "Is this girl in my head? She's writing everything I'm thinking!" I have added you to my prayer list and I wish you the best of luck and support in your journey!

LWLH said...

Thinking of you girl.
We just started trying this summer and it gets frustrating seeing every month another baby and announcement.

Don't get me wrong, I'm extremely excited for them, but I'm anxious for it to be us. I know we're just in the beginning stages so I'm trying not to stress so much.

Cajun Cowgirl said...

Your friend is so right about the no "normal" thing which is comforting but can also be hard when we are trying to figure out how to be "normal" so things work. Good news is that 4 months isn't that long! I know that that's a terrible thing to say because I've been through those months (and many more) BUT it doesn't necessarily mean that something is "wrong" you know? I hope you know I'm trying to be positive is saying that.

Also, have you considered ovulation kits?

Anonymous said...

This post really puts things in perspective for me. Here I am with two beautiful children already, trying for number three, and there are those couples out there, who are struggling to have number one. It makes me feel a little guilty and even selfish. Having a child is something every woman deserves to experience. My heart goes out to you, and I look forward to seeing your pregnancy announcement.