I wasn't going to write today. I wasn't even sure I would write about this topic again since the last time. It's personal, it's tough, and I am just not sure how to wrap my thoughts around it. But, it's on my mind. Every day. And, I just needed to let some of it out.
Our TTC journey has had peaks and valleys. Like I explained in my last post, I was a bit clueless when this all started. I thought my body would go back to 'normal' quickly after going off of the pill, and we'd get a surprise 'BFP' only a few short months later.
What I didn't realize was that I was going to have to put a lot of extra energy into this. Each day there are things to do. To check. You see, I'm a pretty busy person, in my own right. I like to keep a full calendar, and I'm constantly flooding my iPhone with reminders. Checklists and planning are my thing. I can handle them. They're typically something I can control.
Truth be told, we are on about our fourth month of 'actively trying.' I say this with a grain of salt, because I have yet to buckle down enough with my temping and charting to really have pinpointed those possible 'O' days. So, I decided to do it this month. I would be diligent, because after all, this is what I really want. We are ready.
God has really been testing my faith and my patience this summer. Each week there are more babies being born, and more pregnancy announcements. None of them have come from me yet. I keep telling myself that there must be a reason that this is my journey. Our journey. What is He trying to teach me about myself?
I know I can't control this. I also know that God already knows exactly what is in store for us over the next few years of our marriage. That gives me a certain amount of peace. But, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't trying everything I could humanly do, to aid in our TTC process.
I'm a talker. And an analyzer. I work through frustrating situations much more easily when I have other people to talk to about them. I have found confidence and strength in talking to other women during this process. It has been eye opening, to say the least.
So, where do we go from here? I guess there is not much else to do other than for me to keep moving forward. This month, it's temps every morning, charts, and lots of little details. I am hopeful that these things will really help to ease that fear in the back of my mind that I have been trying to ignore for the last several months, "could there be something wrong here?"