I have gone back and forth for a while now over whether or not I should write this post. And, if I write it, do I then share it with everyone out there on the interwebs?
I've decided to go for it for two main reasons: this is my blog, and I want to be able to look back years from now and remember the stage of life we were in, our struggles and our joys. Secondly, it is my hope that this post will allow me to connect with other women out there who are experiencing the same fears and doubts as I am in this 'season' of my life.
Do you ever feel like there is a predetermined amount of time that people (and when I say people, I mean all of those that were invited, and present, for our nuptials) wait to start asking 'the question' once you're officially married? You know the question I mean. 'So, are you thinking about babies yet?' 'Are you drinking wine tonight, or can't you drink right now?!'
I've danced around this subject lightly a few times on this blog before, but this time, I wanted to get it all out, and really be honest about where we are, and how much hard work and patience go into TTC (see what I did there, with my fancy lingo? TTC = 'trying to conceive,' in case you didn't know).
Around Christmas of this past year, we decided that it was a good time for me to go off the pill. I had been on it for 6+ years, and many friends had told me that it would take my body a few months to 'right itself,' so if we were thinking about starting to try in the next six months or so, it was a good idea.
At that point, I knew next to nothing about how many details really go into conceiving. I just thought I would stop taking the pill, and two months later we'd get that 'surprise' positive sign on a Target-bought pregnancy test.
Boy, was I wrong.
For the first two months, I was super laid back about it. No charts, no temps, no OPK's or any of that jazz. But, there were also no 'surprises' to speak of either. So, I turned to a few friends who had successfully conceived at least once, to find out what worked for them. It was then that I started to do some research, and decided that charting and temping was a good place to start.
I think I underestimated how hard (and annoying) it would be to wait the extra two minutes each morning, before jumping out of bed to pee, to grab my thermometer from the nightstand, and then sit patiently waiting while it beeped away for 30-40 seconds. And then, there were the days that I didn't remember at all.
As a result, the charts that my handy iPhone app started to build were a bit off. I figured this was fine, and that it would take a few months to really learn what was going on in my normal cycles. Well, impatience paid me a visit, and I decided to heed the advice that another friend of mine had given me: 'skip the temps, and just buy the Ovulation Predictor Kit!'
Fifty dollars, and one five-day-early period later, I already felt stumped. Was my cycle finally going back to 'normal?' 'Is that second line there, really a second line?'
While all of this babbling probably hasn't given you a very clear picture of what has been going on, chronologically, I can simplify it pretty easily. My cycle has reverted from 28 to around 24-26 days at this point. I still don't feel like I have a good read on the true phases of my cycle, but there was one month where I was afraid that my luteal phase was too short.
I keep telling myself that 5-6 months is not a long enough window, especially with my inconsistency in a few areas, to really determine whether or not my cycle is giving my signs of a problem. But, I cannot shake the thoughts in the back of my mind that are telling me that 'it shouldn't be this hard,' and 'maybe there is something wrong.'
The latest? I decided right before our MDW trip to take a break from all of it and just see what happens for the next month or so. So far, that's been going just fine, but the fear is still there, just sitting in the back of my mind.
You're probably wondering what B thinks or has to say about all of this, right? Truth be told, he's been a rock. He truly believes that 'God has a plan' and that it will happen at the right time for us. I wish I could look at it that way all the time. I have been having a hard time swallowing the fact that I have little to no control over the timing on this one. Maybe it's time to let my faith step in and take over.
Have any of you had similar struggles? I have a feeling I'm not the only one.