Today, I thought I would take a little time to explain how I got here. To this decision to blog for 31 straight days about what this next year of my life will look like. The last year of my twenties. This past weekend was like many others. We got to spend lots of time with our favorite little guys, and I drank a little too much wine on Friday night. I am still trying to figure out why I thought that was a good idea. But, I'm sure it won't be the last time I ask myself that question in relation to wine.
Sunday afternoon, the Jets played the 49ers in what was one of the most horrendous games I have ever watched. It was actually on TV here, but our local station switched game coverage at the beginning of the 4th quarter because the game was that bad.
This was the start of my downward spiral.
Sunday evening, we were just hanging around at home, relaxing while the late afternoon football games were on TV. All of the sudden, I had this overwhelming wave of emotion come over me. Sometimes, when I start to feel like this, one of two things happens. I either burst into tears out of nowhere, or I go somewhere where I can be alone with my thoughts for a few moments. On this particular day, I chose the latter. So, off to the basement I went armed with the second half of the third season of Parenthood on my iPad.
This quiet time gave me a few moments of reprieve, but then it happened again. Tears began streaming down my face. I guess I had just come to grips with the fact that I will officially be 29 on Saturday. How did this day get here so fast? How am I entering the last year of my twenties already, and how on earth am I still not pregnant yet?
I guess you could say that my birthday was sort of a milestone date for me this year. When we started our TTC journey, I used my birthday as one of my measurables. And now it's almost here and I felt like I had nothing to show for it.
It was then that I realized that I had to pull myself together. I had to stop drowning in my own self-pity and doubt. So, I sat there in silence and prayed about it for several minutes. Just sort of emptied out the flood of emotions that were on my heart.
Once the tears stopped, I joined B back upstairs on the couch for the exciting conclusion of the game he was watching on TV. And then, we just talked. It wasn't a lengthy conversation, but it was just me sharing my heart with him. B has a natural gift of staying positive in most situations, and he has been my shoulder to cry on many times. Although I was feeling overwhelmed in the moment, and am still afraid of the stare-down I am having with the big 3-0, I know that I have so much to be proud of, and thankful for. I also know that only I can decide exactly how I want to spend this last full year of my twenties. And I want it to mean something. This is going to be my year.
Over the next month, I'll continue to share my stories. The lessons I'm learning along the way, and the things I do and do not want to do this next year. Although all of my posts may not be this long and heartfelt, I'm going to make them count.
Thanks for joining me on this ride.
You can read more about the kickoff of my 31 challenge here.
4 comments:
Make it count! I love that!
I understand that feeling of closing in on your 30's. It's a bizarre feeling and a big life milestone, however I definitely think 40 will have a bigger impact on me.
It's going to be a good year for you. I can feel it :)
Keep your chin up!
This will be your year. I know how hard that struggle is. I offer nothing but encouragement and support.
Pam this sounds so familiar to my life right now....it is so frustrating to be at this place. Hang in there girl and try to focus on the positives!!! Baby WILL come for you all!
i love that you have decided you are going to make your last year of the twenties your own! i know what you mean about coming to a milestone and having nothing to show for it. i'm almost 22, have a college degree, haven't ever dated before, and am still working a part-time job. and sometimes i ask myself the same thing: what am i doing with my life? why don't i have a full-time job? am i going to get married?
but i think, once we are days away from these difficult ones we're living now, we will find we did have something to show for it: changes. in ourselves. because He has grown us mightily through these journeys. i read this post earlier today that helped me realize, too, that there is nothing i can do or could have done to have changed where i am in life right now. He is in control of it all, and He has my future and my story safely and firmly in His mighty hands. i'm praying for you as you keep walking toward 30 in faith, Pam!
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